Millions of years from now, when humans have left this planet for a better one and left nothing behind but our garbage, one imagines that our great works of art will be taken with us. Films like “Old Dogs” will stay behind, rotting in the massive landfill. Aliens will come to our former residence, exploring and poking through our remains, trying to figure out the type of society we were.
They will bring the DVD to their spaceship and watch with perplexed expressions as John Travolta and Robin Williams fight for camera time and race to see who can lose their dignity the fastest. When it’s all over, there will be silence and then, one little alien will mutter, “Let’s just go home.”
Simply put, there just aren’t enough negative adjectives available when it comes to describing “Old Dogs” — not enough suitable to print, anyway. The film’s concept is the typical dime-a-dozen concept: Hot-shot executives thrown into caring for children they didn’t know existed, and supposed hilarity ensues as poop jokes abound and lessons about the importance of family are learned. The plot is threadbare, and director Walt Becker seems to have no idea what he’s doing.
The movie doesn’t just lack comedic timing; it lacks a sense of simple cinematic pacing. The movie stumbles all over the place, with no beginning, middle or end to most scenes. Just as something starts going, the film cuts to another establishing shot marking a new scene. It’s as if the editor got drunk the night before and accidentally trashed a third of the dailies, forcing him to work with the remains.
The “comedy” at hand is a failure across the board, often going for cheap gags like nut-shots, fart jokes and obvious, easy punch lines. The saying goes, “It’s funny because it’s true,” and there isn’t a single moment of truth here. These characters and situations are absurd. These characters do and say things that don’t make sense. At times I wondered if a twist was coming and the “old dogs” would be revealed as clinically insane.
“Lighten up,” you may say. “It’s just a harmless family comedy.” Well, imaginary disgruntled reader, I argue it isn’t harmless. The film’s message is that the worst thing you can possibly do is to strive for something. Instead of working for a living, earning money and contributing to society, you should stay home and play with your kids. With your kid’s love and a pocket full of dreams, everything you ever hoped for will fall into your lap. I have news for you
As wonderful as that would be, it isn’t how it really is. Dreams should be followed through with work, and a joy earned is much more powerful than a joy stumbled upon. Any film proposing the opposite is harmful to the impressionable minds watching.
“Old Dogs” is inept in every possible way; a movie that makes me wish there was a grade lower than an F to give it. But that would require some creativity, and I’d rather not waste another moment thinking about this pathetic excuse for a movie.
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